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Quick pitch

An apocalyptic story from the POV of astronauts trapped aboard the ISS during a nuclear war that appears to have wiped out much of humanity and their struggle for survival.

Project Type: Other (An hour)

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Recent changes

Irish94 added a comment to Untitled Space Apocalypse on 01/24/2013. more
Pretty good thus far. About a 6.5/10 as of now. Need to do some refinement on the dialogue a little. Make these characters more interesting, considering it is pretty speech heavy at this point. Don't use so many "..." (ellipses). Clarify a protagonist early on, from the sounds of things it's either Jackson, Alex or William. These characters seem like they are going to be the most developed. Vladmir too.

Keep it consistent.

WILLIAM is good - seems like the level headed one of the group.
ALEX is okay - seems as though she could be strong willed, as she is caring for Jackson quite a bit.
JACKSON was good up until his second scene - If he is afraid at the very beginning, and you are opening up your story with him being scared. Keep him scared. He should be continuously frightened by their situation and not able calm down so easily.
VLADMIR seems like he could be good - considering this is shaping up to be a claustrophobic piece, it is smart to have a somewhat antagonistic (or two) character, who demonstrates potential leadership but has conflicting viewpoints with the current leader. Leading to disputes and such. His one line shows glints of this kind of character. Keep it up.

Peter and Brian need to have clearer personalities. Peter goes from agreeing with everything William says originally and seeming fully compliant, to being very self-concerned and frustrated. Odd. Brian needs to be rewritten completely. I'm not trying to be mean (only offering constructive criticism because I think this script is actually quite good and has a lot of potential, it is just very raw at the moment) but Brian is poorly written already. Keep it real! There is no way that somebody who has trained to go up outside of our atmosphere into Space is silly enough to believe that they could simply look outside and wait for a ship that is potentially not even there "float by". I understand that you highlight the stupidity of this comment through Peter's dialogue. But the matter is, this comment would not have been seriously suggested anyway.

But it is good so far and showing a lot of potential. Keep up the good work!
Doaders added an action in "This is your first scene." on 01/23/2013. Doaders made 2 other changes. more
The two continue to look outside, the landscape now barely visible with dust covering the lands below.
Doaders added dialogue in "This is your first scene." on 01/18/2013. Doaders made 28 other changes. more
Jackson
I just hope that if anyone's alive down there, they won't make the same mistakes.
Doaders added an action in "This is your first scene." on 01/17/2013. Doaders made 16 other changes. more
They keep on hugging, then leave.
Doaders added an action in "This is your first scene." on 01/17/2013. Doaders made 9 other changes. more
Another person, Alex, moves to comfort Jackson. She hugs the rookie member of the ISS crew.
 

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