This scene is locked. This scene is locked.SCHOOL HALLWAY, empty. Bell rings. EXTRAS, KEITH, MARK and EMILY enter stage left, EXTRAS and DANNY enter stage right. MARK and EMILY are holding hands, and go to EMILY's locker at the end of the "hall". KEITH goes to his locker, and shoves DANNY to get to it. KEITH says something inaudible, and DANNY gives him the stink-eye when KEITH has turned away. EVERYBODY ends up at a locker, and the scene freezes. RICHARD walks on stage.
Richard
(addressing audience) Hi, I'm Richard, and welcome, to Molly Ringwald College. I'll be your protagonist this evening. Be wary: this play may or may not contain swear words, random insanity and violence. So be sure to film it and put it on Youtube later. Also, if you have a phone in here, please turn it off. Otherwise, one of our actors will come, retrieve it, and start prank calling your friends. You've been warned.
Richard
This is Danny. He is, unfortunately, my best friend. He's hornier than a steroidal Bulgarian horse in an Amsterdam burlesque house. And for those of you who don't catch my drift, he's just plain horny. To say the least, he's got issues. I even think that... (reaches into DANNY's pocket) yep! (pulls hand out, and line of Trojan condoms come out) He's been carrying these around since the seventh grade. (looks at them) Oh no, they've expired. (shoves them back into pocket) He also has a lack of filter. I know, I know, that's kind of normal these days, but most people at least shut up at some point.
Danny
It's gonna be so wicked. We're gonna go, and it's all gonna be like "We came for the titties", and we can, because it's a play. There aren't gonna be any bouncers-
Richard
Long answer? The long answer is that I've had a crush on Emily (walks over to her) since the seventh grade. To be honest, Danny and I hit puberty at roughly the same time. I dealt with it... differently. Emily is everything I want in a woman. She's funny, she's hot, she's intelligent. (walks back to original spot) Unfortunately, however, her intelligence is... limited.
Richard
That, my dear ladies and gents, is the token town bicycle. It's name: Stephanie. She has got to have flirted with every boy in this school. EXCEPT Danny. It's driving him crazy that the one girl in the school that he wants to get with, won't even give him the time of day. Which reminds me.
Danny
Didn't I already explain this to you? Stephanie is the only one in this school with low enough standards. There is no one else, even the fat chicks. The only possible way I could loose my virginity before I graduate is by getting with her.
Keith
Well, I'm free this Thursday, and was wondering if, maybe, you'd like to go see the new Saw film: Saw 500.
DANNY faints into RICHARD's arms. RICHARD holds him there for a little while, then just throws him on the floor. DANNY gets up, and stares at RICHARD for a while.
RICHARD facepalms. KEITH recoils for the punch, and starts to punch. ACTION PAUSES seconds before the fist hits DANNY's face.
Richard
Note the main resons why Keiths head never does end up on a pike, which Danny always seems to completely ignore. 1) He's twice my size. 2) He has the whole force of the football team behind, the fucker. and 3) his uncle is an MMA fighter, and has taught this little grasshopper well. Note, the superior arc of his fist through the air. Note, the proper stance. Note, the startled look on Danny's face. Yeah, this is gonna hurt.
This scene is locked.Richard
These are my two younger brothers: Robbie, and Maurice. But I think you've already met them.
Richard
That, was Maurice. Thankfully, he's adopted. My dad works at a mental hospital, and this... kid... was one of his patients. When he was certain Maurice was stable, he was going to allow him to rejoin the general public, but then his parents ditched him. So now he lives with us. Great!
Richard (CONT'D)
This other little shit, is Robbie. He's actually related to me. I don't know how, I don't know why, but he is (Shivers) family. However, he is the more sane of the two. He's also convinced my parents I'm gay. If they'd just care to look under my mattress, they'd see I'm not!
Maurice
I am going to shove this sandwich so far down your breathing hole they won't hear you scream.
Maurice
I want to go swimming in the Sahara. (turns to the left suddenly) I'm coming, Amelia Earhart!
Danny
Anyways, we're getting assigned our groups for the English project tomorrow. I hope I'm with Stephanie. I could totally use this project to make my move!
This scene is locked.SCENE is a classroom with 15 sets of tables and chairs, with a teachers desk. The students face stage left and the teacher's desk faces stage right. Full cast minus Maurice and Robbie plus extras come in from stage left, further upstage than the teacher's desk. CLASS mingles around, chatting. RICHARD is hanging out with DANNY, STEPHANIE, TOMMY, KEITH and MARK are standing in one corner chatting, APRIL is in one corner sitting at her desk in an emo state, and EMILY is setting up her books for the class.
CLASS goes silent, turns to DANNY and RICHARD. DANNY is oblivious to the staring, while RICHARD is looking around at all the people in their class.
RICHARD just stares at DANNY for a while, as the class slowly goes back to their other conversations.
DEAN
Alright. Now, Mr. Hughes told me you were about to start a project. However, he then passed out from the pain, so I guess I'll just have to make one up and grade you on that. I'm going to separate you into groups of two, and assign you each a short story from my personal library to read and examine. You will hand in, for each group, a one thousand word essay.
DEAN
Tommy and April! One more word out of either of you, and you'll be seeing me in my office after class.
Richard
Let me introduce our final two players, if you will. This, is Tommy. He is our stereotypical jock. Because it just isn't a teen comedy if you don't have one. While no one has any definitive proof, I'm pretty certain he's using steroids. He has anger management issues.
TOmmy
(whispering) If you ever talk back to me again, I will snap off that little emotional head of yours as if I were breaking a toothpick. Comprende?
Richard
And that, is April Showers. She is part of that movement sweeping the nation as of late: the emo. Granted, I would be too, with a name like hers. April Showers. God, that's just some really cruel humor. Word is, her parents are rich, and wanted to have one of those really preppy girls with the sundresses and giggles, so gave her a really flowery name. Guess that kinda backfired. Anyways, those two there are mortal enemies. It's fun to watch them go at each other.
DEAN
Emily will be with Richard. And the rest of you guys are extras. Nobody really gives a damn about you guys, so just pair off and we can get on with the play. I'll be coming around in a few minutes with your short stories.
EMILY
I don't know about you, but I'd like to get this done as fast as possible. So, is tonight good for you? After school?
EMILY
Actually, we can't at my place. My mom will probably still be hungover from last night. (RICHARD is quizzical) It was wednesday. She goes to the club every wednesday. and thursday. and friday. Saturday. Sunday. Monday.
Danny
God, I don't know why, but her name just turns me on so much. Anyway, we doing our regular Wednesday porn watch tonight?
This scene is locked.Richard
(really fast) We've got coke, diet coke, sprite, dr. pepper, cream soda, mountain dew, root beer, grape crush, orange crush and pellegrino
ACTION RESUMES. RICHARD puts the bottle back, grabs a can of soda for himself and goes to sit with Emily.
robbie
I don't know. When I gave him his pills before, I made sure I gave him some water to help swallow them.
Richard
Nothing that doesn't happen normally. Don't worry. My other brother, Maurice, can just be a handful. Anyways, onto the story.
Richard
I found it in one my dad's Playboys from the seventies. Just don't tell Danny I have a crate of Playboys.
Richard
Don't put your fingers near his mouth. He has trouble telling whats food and whats not food.
Maurice
That's not what Dick over there says. (silence) (whispers)By the way, he wants to get in your pants. That's why hes got the candles out. That, or he's a pyromaniac. Either way, bewaaaaaare.
This scene is locked.Richard
I'm pretty sure it's my personal punishment. I don't know what for, I just know that life is never average with those two.
EMILY
Well, Richard and I tried working on our project, but he ended up being shot in the ass with a tranquilizer.
RICHARD looks at MARK with a look that says he wants to say something, but he's restraining himself.
Mark
Oh it went alright. We talked about the project, played some video games, candle lit dinner with red wine and roses. You know, the usual.
EMILY
Oh, look at the time. I gotta go to class. See you guys later. Maybe I'll see you later tonight Richard?
robbie
Why the hell do people leave food in their lockers for three months? These things smell disgusting.
robbie
Positive. I keep hearing mom and Richard having talks about how he has to stop doing the nasty in his room when we have Aunt May over for dinner.
This scene is locked.EMILY's house, living room. Similar to RICHARD's living room, but with a set of stairs behind the couch, and front door at stage left instead of stage right.
EMILY
It's just that, I've been feeling lonely recently. Mark doesn't seem interested anymore. He's always hanging with his friends, going to Euphoria, skinny dipping in his pool, having sleepovers. And then here was someone who felt the same for completely different reasons, and I tried to take advantage of that. I'm sorry. It won't happen again.
EMILY
Good, we got that out of the way. But while you're here, can you help me with something in the project?
RICHARD and EMILY get close together and their conversation eventually becomes background noise. MAURICE and ROBBIE poke their heads in stage left.
A violin is heard playing in the background. Behind the couch, MAURICE slowly rises, shown to be playing the violin in question.
MAURICE, with an it's-about-to-get-frisky-face, goes back down behind the couch, still playing the violin. RICHARD and EMILY passionately kiss. There's a knock at the door.
This scene is locked.DEAN's office. There is a desk and two chairs in front of it. A motivational poster hangs on the back. DEAN is sitting in his chair, laptop open. Sex noises are coming from the laptop. DEAN is touching himself above the pants.
DEAN
Look, I'm sorry, but you interrupted my happy time. Now all I can think about is dirty Dixie out on the grass behind me.
This scene is locked.DANNY's house. Almost exact same as EMILY and RICHARDs houses, but with a door instead of stairs. DANNY is sitting on his chair nervously. There's a knock on the door behind him.
DANNY gets up and skips around to the door, and opens it. STEPHANIE is standing there, obviously annoyed.
Stephanie
Stephanie's never able to get to Gucci when Gucci's on sale. Stephanie won't have to buy at full-price.
This scene is locked.Small, smoky room. TOMMY, KEITH and MARK are sitting around a table, playing poker and smoking cigars.
Mark
Oh, I don't mind. (starts moving the cigar in and out of his mouth) I kinda like having things in my mouth.
Keith
What's wrong with you recently? You've been acting strangely since that football game a few weeks ago.
TOmmy
What? Don't be ridiculous. (inhales loudly) Besides, you know drugs would get me kicked off the team.
Mark
Anyways, I think I might have a big party at my place over the weekend. You know, whole school thing. Kegs. Orgy upstairs. That sort of thing.
TOmmy
Mark, you're ratios are all whacked. The only girl going is Emily. What type of orgy would you be expecting to get with one girl?
Keith
Into me? What's gotten into you? Just last week you were making fun of her black lipstick. Now you wanna make out with it.
This scene is locked.Danny
(chanting) I've got a date with Stephanie. I've got a date with Stephanie. Richard is the other woman, and I've got a date with Stephanie.
Mark
Anyway... I'm having a party at my place this Saturday and was wondering if you guys were interested.
