grace

If a former Air Commodore has asserted that Trident is nothing more than a 'stick-on hairy chest' then I don't think the entire military can be convinced of its merits. The need to retain it comes down to an insecurity borne of loss of Empire. But the sums don't add up, the entire deterrent philosophy doesn't add up, and sooner or later the UK as a whole is going to have to get used to the reality of a much reduced offshore presence...

DOUG

That's better. She's looking great.

sandy

Of course she's looking great.

DOUG

I meant doing great. I thought she wasn't stealing your job.

sandy

Yeah. She's says she's keeping it warm for me. Anyway, it wouldn't be a parliamentary job. They've got people for that. It would be a staff job, in all likelihood.

DOUG

Staff. Like, the Scottish Army?

sandy

(looking sidelong) Let's not get ahead of ourselves, eh? Might as well wait to see how this referendum turns out. They might be drumming the Unionists out of the country unless we recant in public.

DOUG

Maybe if it's a Yes we can stop with all that nonsense and get on with the hard work.

sandy

Such as?

DOUG

Trying to separate the whole shebang. All the tax and benefits. And the Army.

sandy forbes

That's what civil servants are for. Come on, if every former British colony can do it, then we can do it. That's not the issue for me. It's that we were greater than the sum of our parts. And we're chucking it away.

DOUG

You just want to keep the subs.

sandy

We'll have to. For a while anyway.

DOUG

A while?

sandy

A decade? Until they can get Devonport or Portland equipped for storing the warheads. And in return they won't charge us for making them move, and we might get some oil.

DOUG

And that would be what you told them if you got the job?

sandy

Absolutely.

DOUG

What about the stuff at Dalgety Bay and Rosyth?

sandy

Dalgety Bay will have to stay put. Can't disturb it more. The dead subs at Rosyth. I don't know. (deadpan) Could sell them to the Chinese I suppose.

DOUG

That'll go down like a lead balloon.

sandy

And so the disenchantment sets in.

DOUG

You're kidding about the Chinese, right?

sandy

Almost certainly.

DOUG

I don't think you should take that job. You're bent as a nine bob note. You know, some of us don't want the constant reminder of immanent military destruction looming on the horizon. Scares off the tourists.

sandy

Doug, what's that?

doug

Edinburgh?

sandy

At the top of the hill.

doug

Arthur's Seat?

sandy

Other end.

DOUG

Oh. Edinburgh Castle.

sandy

Yes, Doug. Edinburgh Castle. While I'd love to oblige your peacenik sentiment, it is apparent that we've lived with constant reminders of military destruction for a while now.

DOUG

You suggesting we open the dead subs up for the tourists?

sandy

My God, it's bloody Gordon! Keep your head down.

DOUG (CONT'D)

You keep your head down! He doesn't know me.

the presenter

Sandy! Sandy, are you out there?

sandy

No!

the presenter

Care to make a comment?

sandy

Only if you swim out here and get it!

sandy (CONT'D)

Surprised they didn't bring ABC suits.

DOUG

You got one in the house?

sandy

No comment. Can't have the zombie hordes breaking down the door come the apocalypse.

DOUG

So it's devil take the hindmost if the bombs hit?

sandy

I was talking about the referendum.

DOUG

(laughs) C'mon. What's the worst that can happen?

sandy

Industry flees, the Scottish pound is devalued, the potholes never get mended...

DOUG

Rubbish. Sure, we might be poor for a bit. Any country can end up poor. But we've got resources and education. Add a bit of self-belief into the mix, and who know what we might do? I actually think it'll be worse if we say no.

sandy

Really?

DOUG

Be depressing. Knowing we gave up the chance to know if we could do it. Even if we somehow fail, at least we'll know.

sandy

Ah! The audacity of hope! Just like wind power, eh? Can't run the subs on hope or hot air, Doug!

DOUG

That's not a geiger counter?

sandy

Dosimeter.

DOUG

Bit risk adverse, aren't you?

sandy

I prefer my risk quantifiable.

DOUG

So I take it you voted 'No'.

sandy

That's none of your bloody business.

DOUG

Come off it. You know how I voted. Did she persuade you?

sandy

(shaking head) She did her best. But I just couldn't.

DOUG

You'll never hear the end of it, one way or the other.

sandy (CONT'D)

We made a sort of pact. That whatever happened, there'd be no gloating and no recriminations.

DOUG

You think it'll work?

sandy

(shrugs) Who knows? Just have to wait and see.