Project Type: Feature Film (Two hours)
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Yes it is! They are wonderful fucking people who deserve more love and care than I could ever give them alone. They're smart people who will do amazing things with their life if they stick around long enough. The least I can do is care a whole fucking lot. Well, it's actually the most I can do. That's another thing. It's so fucking frustrating to see people I love so much in a place that I am so familiar with and not be able to do a single thing about it other than robotic-ally repeat how much I love them and how much I am here for them and all that shit. And of course I know that's not going to make them feel all better or anything, but they could at least, you know, acknowledge the fact that I am being a fucking fantastic friend and that they KNOW that no one else has or ever will have as much patience and understanding as I do? That, maybe, you're aware of the fact that you are unpleasant to be around- boring, mean, and depressing, and yet I want nothing more than to keep you company.
No, to be honest I feel the same way. I mean, I just really like talking to you. I feel like I could talk to you forever. Also I'm just now realizing how tall you are and I'm looking at the dynamics of this shower and I'm beginning to feel concerned as to how this is going to work, you know, mechanically.
Right, and that's why I get there early so I can do all the fun things, like, not sit next to your ass and like, play games and guess shit. And I was telling my dad and he was like "Yeah, you here about the person who got shot in the theater over a cell phone and I was like no? And he was like yeah! Because my dad literally- Sometimes I wonder if he just makes them up. Cus he's like "No, there's a thing about that. There was a guy in a theater that was on his phone, and someone told him to get off of it, and the guy on his phone threw popcorn at the other guy, and the guy got out a gun and shot him." And I was like what? Apparently the guy with the gun was an off duty cop or something, and he killed him because he threw popcorn and wouldn't turn off his phone. And then he said "You ALWAYS assume someone has a gun." That's what he said. My dad thinks you should always assume that someone is going to kill you. And then he got kinda racist with it and started talking about black people. "People are on their cell phones too much, they'll go through the line at Wal Mart talking on their cell phone the whole time!" Which I've done before...He goes "Black people are the fuckin' worst with that." He's so racist, and he thinks it's funny. Okay, there's this thing.."Nigger in de cane patch."
That's the thing. Yeah, I like Nancy Sinatra. But I don't love Nancy Sinatra. She's not even in like, my top twenty. But I thought it would go with the scene. So I got out of the bathtub to change the music, wrapped myself in a towel, everything, just to change the fucking music. And that's when I realized that if I really wanted to die as much as I thought I did I would have died twenty minutes ago.
(Insert transition of some sort)
I can honestly say that my attempt was not attention motivated. But in that moment it felt like it was and I was ashamed and embarrassed. I really started to second guess myself, did I really, that badly, just crave attention in a absurdly repressed manner? No. I WAS sad and I WAS lonely and I WAS in constant misery. I was really fucking sad. But I didn't want to die. I just wanted to not be sad anymore. So I finished my bath and I enjoyed it and I never attempted suicide again. I'm not discrediting the severity of depression or mental illness or whatever. I still get just as fucking sad as I did back then. And it can be really fucking hard to escape it sometimes. It can be really easy to sort of fall in love with your own tragedy. But you know what can be almost as fulfilling and refreshing and beautiful as falling in love? Falling out of it.