Travis (To Camera)

So its noon now, and like usual, im the first one here. I got here at ten of nine and unpacked. So now I'm just waiting. I know exactly how I'm going to set up the entire living room. I just wish Jeremy would come so I could watch West Wing or Frasier or something.

Travis

Who is it?

Steve's Dad

Open up!

Travis

Who are you? You sound too old to be in college.

Steve's Dad

I'm old enough to put my foot ten feet in your ass if you don't open! Open! God damn sesame!

Travis

Hold up a second.

Steve's Dad

I've got a couch in my hand, get your dick outta yours!

Steve's Dad (CONT'D)

Grab that.

Travis

It's going in the corner by the window.

Steve's Dad

FUCK THAT SHIT!

Steve's Dad (CONT'D)

Are you a fucking idiot? That window is facing south west. In the evening, that sun is gonna shine right in on you. You need to put it on that wall.

Travis

No, cause then we'll have to put the tv by the window and the suns gonna shine on it and have a huge glare.

Steve's Dad

Not if you put the TV on the adjacent wall, Jimmy Neutron.

Travis

I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an interior decorater. I don't watch Christopher Lowell.

Steve's Dad

Who the fuck is Christopher Lowell?

Randy

He's a home designer on the fine living network. He is so good. He will give any lifeless room a cozy makeover. (His voice gets softer as he walks away) I sooo hope we get the fine living network. I wonder if that comes with the cable package. Oooops, dropped my headshot....

Travis

Ok, lets backtrack. Who are you?

Steve's Dad

(Cordially, almost in a British accent) Arthur Kriebel. I'm Steve's Dad.

Travis

Where's Steve?

Steve

Um Hi. (while looking down at floor avoiding eye contact)

STEVE'S DAD

Where the fuck have you been?

STEVE

You told me to stay downstairs.

STEVE'S DAD

So then why the fuck are you up here?

STEVE

Because it's raining outside and I didn't feel like getting drenched. What are you guys doing anyway?

STEVE'S DAD

I was just tellin' Travis here that he needs to set up the place a little differently than he thought.

STEVE

Dad what do you know? You had to move in with me last year after mom kicked you outta the house

Travis

Wait Steve, how old are you?

STEVE

I'm 21 I'll be a junior this year.

Travis

Nice, so you can like get us beer and stuff? I mean you're gonna have to get it for us. This is gonna be great.

STEVE

Yea, being your bitch will be real sweet...

Travis

Dude, Steve. I can't wait to get beer tonight. I'm gonna get so fucked up. It's gonna suck though because I can hold a lot of alcohol in me so I'm always drinking the most. 15 beers might do me in I don't know though. We'll see how I feel.

STEVE'S DAD

Steve what did I tell you? You aren't getting beer for anybody. That's underage drinking and I don't want any son of mine being associated with a title like that.

STEVE

Dad I know. You never even went to college so how can you say something like that?

STEVE'S DAD

I didn't have to go to college. I had the God-given talent of kicking ass. I beat people up for money. I didn't need college.

STEVE

Oh yea, definitely dad. Now you live in your son's apartment because your wife, my mom, left you for some skeez WHO BY THE WAY has a college degree.

STEVE'S DAD

Yea but she's just acting out. I'm not the only one that forgets her anniversary here or a birthday there.

Travis

Uh guys should i jus-

STEVE'S DAD

We're talkin' chill out, sit still Michael J.

STEVE

Dad. You just said HER anniversary. It was both of your anniversary. You married her. What's going on?

STEVE'S DAD

(calm) Yea, I guess so.

STEVE

Just relax. Don't worry about me or this place. It's mine and I'll figure out how to set it up.

STEVE'S DAD

Yea I know. I just wanted you to have the sweet place where all the girls come to show their boobies.

STEVE

But you told me I couldn't get alcohol. How am I supposed to get girls without inebriating them?

STEVE'S DAD

Just walk up to them, grab at their chest, and say, "I got ya tits!" Trust me it'll work. Listen, don't get beer for anyone. Just let the girls know you can get them whatever they want, and they'll give you whatever you want.

STEVE

Dad, that's pretty creepy actually.

STEVE'S DAD

If you want the platinum pussy sometimes you gotta force the issue son. But hey, I gotta get outta here, good luck with everything.

STEVE'S DAD (CONT'D)

Alright I'll talk to you later.

Travis

Fuckin' dickhead.

STEVE

That's my dad man.

Travis

Why do you care? I saw the way he treated you.

STEVE

He's always that way. It's not like we don't love each other though

Travis

Yeah well-

Travis (CONT'D)

What'd you forget?

Steve's Dad

My trombone.

Travis

Did you even bring a trombone?

Steve's Dad

That's a really stupid question, Travis.

Travis

Why did you bring your trombone?

Steve's Dad

Cause I took lessons for nine years, assclown.

Bryan

Yo motherfuckers you see them bitches in Anthony Michael Hall? I'm definitely hittin' that shit up later.

Travis

Oh shit really? Nice dude, nice. I'll hit them up with you.

Bryan

What the fuck did you just say? You wanna fuck a girl with me? Great first impression dude...

Travis

Yea I meant I'll like go with you when you talk to them.

Bryan

I meant like you're fuckin' weird and where should I put my shit?

Travis

It ain't so cool bein' such a jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving.

Bryan

(Confused) What does that even mean?

Travis

It means you're talking shit for no reason and you better fucking stop right now.

Bryan

(To Camera) What the fuck did I do?

Paul

What's up guys?

Travis

Nothin' much man. Did you lose weight over the summer?

Paul

Yeah ten pounds. I'm down to 270.

Travis

Awesome man.

Paul

Hey Bryan, you got Gears of War?

Bryan

Yeah but I can't play until Jeremy's gay ass comes with the TV.

Travis

Is that Beast?

Steve

Um Yeah...

Travis

What the fuck man? I told you to get Stella.

Steve

You know how much Stella is Travis? It's not worth it.

Travis

It's all about the image. People respect a man who drinks a classy beer.

Steve

Do they respect assholes too?

Paul

You guys are really establishing a healthy relationship. I came here to let you know that Jeff is having a kick off party at his new house. I figure you'd all wanna go tonight.

Travis

Yea we'll all go except Steve. He can stay home and drink his Beast.

Bryan

Yea drink your Beast.

Steve

You guys are fuckin' gay. You're lucky I even did this shit for you.

Bryan

Dude it took you like 5 minutes to get that. Why is the case already open?

Travis

Where did you get that? Did you even pay for it?

Steve

Yea. I paid for it guys chill.

Travis

Where's the receipt?

Steve

What the hell is this?

Travis

Where is the receipt Steve? Did you just steal that from somebody's house?

Bryan

It's like 4 o'clock in the afternoon where would there be a party this early?

Paul

Phi Moo always has parties all day. They live no more than a stone's throw from here.

Travis

Phi Moo?

Bryan

Did you just say "a stone's throw"?

Paul

Yea it's the fattest sorority on campus. When I came up here over the summer they were always partying hard as shit on like a Tuesday afternoon. They have a pet pig and he has a mini pool of beer that he lays in. It's fuckin' sweet.

Travis

No way.

Bryan

Shut up idiot. That's where you went didn't you?

Steve

Alright! So I just took it from there. What's the big deal? I saved money and we gained beer. Now I'm sharing it with all of you. I'm like an alcoholic Robin Hood.

Travis

No you're a little bitch. You're like Maid Marian. But a bigger BITCH.

Paul

Robin Hood probably was an alcoholic. He was a crazy motherfucker.

Steve

And besides, I met some girls.

Bryan

You didn't meet the girls I met. Mine were hot as shit man.

Travis

What were their names? You gotta tell me.

Bryan

Re-fucking-lax. It was like four hot girls I think their names were Katie, Rachael...Nadine? And this other one that was a fuckin' bitch.

Paul

Nice man. I'm about to get outta here I gotta get back upstairs and take a nap. I'm tired as shit.

Travis

So how 'bout them beers Steve?

Steve

Your chances of getting one of these beers now is about as good as Corbin Bernsen ever having a leading role again.

Travis

Um... are those good odds or bad odds? I have no idea who Collin Burner is.

Erica

Do I know you?

Steve

I thought you said you met her earlier?

Bryan

I did. She just doesn't remember.

Bryan (CONT'D)

You don't remember.

Erica

Don't remember?

Steve

He said you guys met earlier today and you just don't remember.

Bryan

Dude.

Erica

Who the fuck are you?

Steve

I'm Steve. I live with Bryan.

Erica

Oh, did I meet you earlier?

Steve

No, you met Bryan.

Bryan

Yea remember? You were with three other girls.

Erica

Oh yea we did meet earlier. You were the creeper that thought he was being a hotshot.

Bryan

Wow are any of the other girls around or do I get the pleasure of chatting with you all night?

Erica

I wouldn't give you the time of day. Katie's here. Hold on.

Erica (CONT'D)

Hey Katie? There's two guys out here that are about as desperate to hang out with girls as Anthony Michael Hall and Ian Mitchell-Smith were in "Weird Science."

Steve

How can a building be desperate to hang out with girls?

Katie

What? I'll be right there.

Bryan

So are you gonna invite us in or what girl?

Bryan (CONT'D)

Katie what's up?!

Steve

Is it cool if-

Erica

(angry) Just come in.

Paul

Dude what the fuck?

Wes

What?

Paul

I was sleeping man.

Wes

Yea. You WERE. And now, you're NOT. It's a good thing you're awake. Me and Ed were beginning to think you killed yourself. Then we remembered you hadn't eaten dinner yet and we figured you would wait till after you ate to kill yourself.

Paul

Nice man. Where's Ed?

Ed

What's good nigga?

Paul

Shit man. That's fuckin' weird. What the hell are you doin' here?

Ed

Me and Wes just smoked a whole bunch of tree man. I'm just tryna grub right now. I seen you had some Tyson chicken so I baked them jauns up. Like twenty of 'em. Second batch. I'm like Rachel Ray son.

Paul

You guys are ridiculous.

Paul (CONT'D)

Yo what's good Bryan?

Bryan

Nothin', what you up to?

Paul

I just woke up. Wes and Ed are high as shit and eating my fuckin' chicken right now. Are those girls in the background? Where you at?

Bryan

Na that's just Steve bein' a fuckin' idiot.

Steve

Yo who is that? What'd you just say about me?

Bryan

See. I'm not saying anything about you.

Paul

Is that really Steve? He sounds like a thirteen year old Winnie Cooper.

Steve

BRYAN!

Bryan

I'm just kiddin' man.

Bryan (CONT'D)

Yo Paul. I'm at my friend Katie's apartment right now. We're about to start pregaming if you're tryna stop by or somethin'.

Erica

Yea sure! Just keep inviting people! This is your place. Do whatever you want.

Bryan

Is she serious right now?

Steve

Bryan she seems angry maybe we should-

Bryan

Invite more people? You're absolutely right.

Bryan (CONT'D)

Paul. Hit up a few people and tell them to come to 317.

Paul

Alright I'll talk to you in a few. Peace man.

Bryan

Later.

Bryan (CONT'D)

Chill Nancy Lieberman... my friends aren't huge dickheads.

Erica

Are you being serious right now?

Erica (CONT'D)

If they're anything like you, I'm not too hopeful.

Bryan

Where are your friends?

Erica

(rude) Why?

Bryan

Jesus Christ I was just wondering.

Erica

(still annoyed by Bryan) Well they're busy. And besides, they wouldn't wanna hang out with somebody like you.

Bryan

So did you guys all get together and write "Mein Kampf" or something? Steve let's go in the other room and start drinking.